July 16, 2018 Dear Charles, I will be brief in discussing Dad’s sinful pride in relation to his care for Mom. Unlike the sin of deceit his pride was more obvious. I’m going to simply note three things pride does not do, and how Dad demonstrated each. 1. Pride does not seek advice. Dad sought no advice from the Lexington doctors and staff or Mom’s primary care physician in regard to the feasibility of home healthcare for Mom in her vulnerable, post operative condition. Furthermore, he did not seek their advice for what care would be needed at home. 2. Pride does not take orders. Two key examples here: Dad disregarded mom’s surgeon’s written order to provide 24 hour nursing care and Dr. Crevier’s order to provide him with Mom’s INR and three other significant readings. 3. Pride does not admit fault. Though, due to Dad’s negligence, an emergency level INR developed, and though it resulted in a stroke one day later, and even though this stroke led to Mom’s death, he has admitted no fault.
Since we were able to address pride more concisely, we can move on to the last of the four noted sins.
UNFAITHFULNESS (selfishness)
As you know, Marriage, as a lifetime commitment, is a promise of much more than sexual fidelity. The marriage vow is a promise “to love and cherish.” In biblical terms that means to “lay down your life for” your wife. There’s no room left for selfishness. As such, marriage is meant to model Christ’s love for the Church. It should be both ideological and tangible, spiritual and practical. So, faithfulness should be evident in small and subtle ways, as well as conspicuous and consequential matters.
There are innumerable subtle examples that demonstrate that Mom was not cherished, of which I will cite a few from my own experience.
I remember this one occasion at Lexington. It was early afternoon when I had been coaxing Mom to eat small bits of food for some time when Dad arrived to visit. He then took up the cause, along with admonitions like, “Here, you’ve got to eat something.” After a few less than successful tries, he proceeded to finish off the meal himself. I was dumbstruck! I thought surely we could have tried again later and possibly gotten mom to eat some more.
Or, another notable memory; I believe it was a Tuesday night when I stopped by the house and found Dad reading a large hardback volume on the life of Harry Truman. Charles, perhaps I’m peculiar in this, but while Mom was in such a vulnerable condition, I couldn’t even listen to the radio in the car. It was too trivial, even annoying. Also, I remember bringing a book to the nursing home one night, when I’d have loads of time. I found I couldn’t get into it. My attention couldn’t be diverted away from Mom. ...Harry Truman?!!! Evidently Dad had no such conflict. Perhaps that’s why he was able to continue his schedule of preaching, teaching, meetings and full-time work uninterrupted throughout Mom’s entire final month of life.
This one is not related to Mom’s care, but nevertheless relevant. Can you imagine Mom’s funeral with NO flowers? ...Dad did!!
If I hadn’t stopped by the funeral home on Friday afternoon to have my own “viewing”, everyone else would have experienced the shockingly stark coldness of seeing Mom’s casket with absolutely no flowers around it or on it. When I called Dad and asked if I could get a spray of flowers for the casket myself, he responded by offering to pay for it. But Charles, can’t you see that that’s more than not normal, it’s disrespectful of Mom who loved flowers. Plus it’s selfish and cheap! But deep down he knew that. So, when I brought it up, he quickly accommodated my wishes.
I know these examples are subjective and although they fall in line with what we have been conditioned to expect of Dad, I believe they clearly show that Mom was not being cherished. This type of selfishness and evident emotional disconnect ultimately motivated the more dangerous and consequential choices he made.
Dad said that it was a matter of being a faithful husband to personally care for Mom. But she needed a doctor. Dad could not be that for her. She needed a nurse. Dad (or Martha) could not fill that role. So, when he deprived his wife of doctor and nurse and gave her the leftovers of his day and his energies, in reality, it was unfaithfulness.
But Dad’s unfaithfulness goes beyond breaking the marriage vows. Some have asserted that, as husband, Dad had the legal right to make all medical care decisions for Mom. But legal rights, of course, are defined by the law and accordingly, any “willful deprivation” of care “that results in injury, illness or death,” leaves the responsible party liable.
Yes, there are legal provisions for withholding life saving or life sustaining treatment or care, as specified in the DNR/POLST form,
http://www.idph.state.il.us/public/books/dnrform.pdf
but, such withholdings are permissible only when, the patient, who has agreed to them, is terminally ill. At no point in Mom’s rehabilitation was she considered to be terminally ill, until, perhaps, two days before she died.
Very simply, considering that Mom needed “acute care” in her postoperative condition, Dad’s decisions 1) to have no contact with Mom’s primary care physician and 2) to not engage a nurse to monitor her condition and relay information to her doctor, were NOT within his legal rights. So, if Dad has failed to fulfilled even a minimal legal obligation, surely he has not been faithful to his marriage vow to “love and cherish in sickness...” So, whether small or great, these were selfish choices, that were acts of unfaithfulness.
Charles, I have said things that beg a response. Either, you need to correct me with facts of which I am unaware, or you need to repent of your complicit silence and get engaged in exposing and treating the cancerous sins that have led to Mom’s premature death and are destroying relationships with God and one another. Ministries, families and souls are at stake! Please join me in facing the reality of Dad’s sin, and initiating discussion, pursuing understanding, finding agreement and loving God, Dad, me and the rest of the family by pursuing reconciliation.
loving you (and Dad) with the truth,
Tom
Pastor Vernon C. Lyons