It’s almost three years since Matt’s death, and there are still moments of sadness every day, periodic waves of grief, and even a surprise deep grief sobbing session every now and then. Nevertheless, I’m now in a better position to reflect upon how we were sustained in the greatest challenge of our lives.
Of course losing Matthew really knocked us off our feet, but it was the kindnesses of an innumerable company of compassionate family, friends and community members that carried us through the immediate aftermath and gave us support ever since. Our journey has felt like a supernatural, gravity-defying experience. Looking back it’s abundantly evident the Lord has kept us from falling. Let me see if I can help you understand what I mean as I gratefully recollect this phenomenon starting with the Thursday morning Matthew died, August 27th 2020.
It was still dark when I found Matthew dead in the upstairs washroom from a fentanyl overdose. An hour later at 6:30 the sun had risen so I took my phone and went out on the patio to call members of my family. How ironic (albeit unnoticed) that this was a perfectly gorgeous summer morning and I was surrounded by the blooming beauty of our garden as I made calls with such tragic news.
In what seemed to be no time at all, family and friends started showing up—and it didn’t stop all day. Honestly, most of the day was a blur; but, it was abundantly clear we were not going through this alone. Our great loss was being countered with long, tight hugs, mingling of tears and the invaluable gift of presence. A lifelong friend spent most of the day with me. Our pastor came at noon and a friend who lives an hour and a half away arrived in the afternoon. With both Terri’s and my family plus our friends we had a continually changing company of comforters. Our daughter Lainee, too, had a bestie and cousins that were with her all day. There was this stunning contrast between our hearts screaming, “MATTHEW’S GONE!” and our drinking in this outpouring of love by which God was saying loud and clear, “I AM HERE!”
There’s one person who showed up that morning who knew nothing about Matthew’s death because I had completely forgotten about our business. That person was the foreman who was expecting to work with Matt that day. It just so happened that Matt had been filling in for one of our workers who was out with covid and wouldn’t be back for at least a week. The news hit him like a ton of bricks. Of course he was no more ready to head out to work than I was so I sent him home. I’m immensely grateful he was able to work the next two days to finish up the week’s work.
Now I have to tell how God rescued our business while we were down a worker and my head was in a fog. Besides my longtime faithful worker, He provided help through three friends. Two of them with lawn care companies of their own said they’d take care of any lawns we couldn’t handle. The other one was a great office administrator who showed up on Sunday and said, “Tom, what do you need?” All I had to do was give her my fragmented thoughts and she went into our office and composed a letter to be emailed to our clients that explained our situation and gave them an option to skip a week. For God to provide both a clear headed person to sort things out and the auxiliary help we needed was more than a relief, it was a wonder!
I can’t remember eating that day, but I do remember people showing up with food. And food kept coming for weeks: homemade bread, readymade sandwiches, frozen dinners, pizzas delivered, complete hot dinners, sweet treats and eatery gift cards. This was great for my “grief eating,” by which I gained ten pounds. When your mind is struggling to connect one thing to another and your motivation to do anything feels like it’s stuck in the mud, not having to think about what to eat, do grocery shopping or prepare meals was such an on-target practical support.
One of the most significant practical things that was done on the day of Matt’s death was done for Lainee. Since Matt died in such close proximity to Lainee’s room she didn’t want to go back upstairs. So, two cousins along with her lifelong friend went to work moving her things to the somewhat finished basement where we had a futon and enough room for her to be comfortable. They brought down all her clothes, beauty supplies, bedding, everything she needed to make this space her own. This not only greatly helped Lainee, but was a huge relief and encouragement to Terri and me.
Another relief that day was being assured by members of my family that we didn’t need to worry about any of the funeral expenses. They would all be covered. But, as it turned out, there was such an outpouring of love through a go-fund-me campaign started by one of Matt’s childhood friends, plus direct individual gifts, that not only were all the funeral expenses covered, but the burial costs and a beautiful bronze grave marker as well. Everything paid for! What a miracle! What a blessing!
Oh, one more related blessing. Even before all of these generous souls had given us anything, the funeral director told us they would like to provide a cemetery plot for Matthew. All we had to do was sign some documents and the plot was put in our names. Wow! In a day where cremation is an economic necessity for so many, we considered a full grave burial a great privilege.
In stark contrast to the devastation to our hearts, in the days leading up to the funeral and for sometime after, we were surrounded by the life and beauty of many floral arrangements as well as potted plants. Some of the plants we have nurtured to this day. We have found caring for them to be a therapeutic outlet for our undying love for Matthew.
The visitation on Monday defied all expectations. Remember, we had to observe all the covid restrictions. Yet hundreds of people waited for hours in line, with masks on, to pay their last respects and express their condolences. We were indeed experiencing a tsunami of sympathy and comfort. I can’t remember even one person withholding a hug out of caution. Nevertheless, we know of no one who got sick. We thank God for His protection. We were amazed to see relatives from Indiana, Wisconsin, Tennessee and Minnesota. We were encouraged to meet many friends of Matt’s we didn’t even know. His teammates and coaches were there in force. We were hugged by so many of our friends, some we hadn’t seen in years, including people from all the churches to which we had belonged. It was like getting a review of Matt’s life through the people who he knew, plus a picture of all the changes in our lives over the years, all coming together to wrap us in love.
Due to covid restrictions we weren’t allowed to invite everyone to the memorial service at the funeral home. It was for family only. From Terri’s side that’s about ten people. But from my family it’s potentially ninety. To my surprise, almost every family member was present for the funeral. This was truly remarkable because, due to a major disagreement, the Lyons clan hadn’t been all together for over five years. This showed me that there was still a foundational love that hadn’t been eroded by the storm. And I truly felt love from everyone. Though the covid restrictions limited the funeral to fifty guests, the funeral home graciously accommodated our whole family. They also provided a live-steam of the service for those who couldn’t attend. I was pleased to see that the video is still available on their website.
Upon hearing about Matthew’s death, a good friend and owner of the local Chick-fil-A generously offered to provide the entire funeral luncheon. When we found out our church, who was hosting the occasion, had covid restrictions that didn’t allow for buffet or family style, he met the challenge by providing individually boxed meals, ONE HUNDRED of them —to everyone’s delight and satisfaction. What a blessing!
Besides a mound of sympathy cards, many with cash or checks, we were blessed with many uniquely meaningful gifts… two super soft velour throws, a glass candle holder inscribed with the words “Be still and know that I am with you”, a leather-bound liturgy for lament, a crocheted prayer shawl, a custom engraved memorial musical snow globe, a plaque with a collage of Matt’s baseball photos, a hand crafted inscribed lighted wall hanging, spring bulbs for “Matt’s garden,” a custom memorial garden plaque, inscribed redwood wind chimes, a twin sized handmade afghan with the text of Proverbs 3:5 incorporated into its design, and the winning game ball from the EP Mustangs regional championship given by his coach. Each of these gifts intertwines loving sympathy with the memory of Matthew that we will treasure for years to come.
A number of months after Matt’s death, we experienced a special blessing that will forever live in our memories and last as long as our house. It has to do with Matthew’s room, which at the time we were still avoiding. After we had a new laminated floor laid in his bedroom, the baseboards had never been reinstalled. It also needed new base shoe which I had already purchased. It was a project that had been neglected during the challenging months (maybe more like a year) of Matt’s addiction. So, I asked a carpenter friend if he could do it. He not only did it, after working most of a day and doing an excellent job, he said he wanted it to be a gift instead of us paying the quoted amount. This was truly a living demonstration of love! I could only respond with tearful gratitude.
Even as recently as six months ago we were blessed with an amazing gift. Forever Twenty-two is the link for the post that gives the backstory on this remarkable hand painted portrait of Matt.
I must confess, I didn’t anticipate that recounting these kindnesses would get so lengthy. Yet still I don’t want to neglect to mention the “HERO” grief group that was ready to welcome us soon after Matt’s death and continues to support us and also the timely subsidized professional counseling our church provided for us. These critical helps were in the context of the prayers of a multitude and many who reached out, some even with daily contact in the early months of disorienting grief. I always saw these as a confirmation of God’s love.
We will be forever grateful for all these things, all these people, all these tangible and symbolic expressions of love through which God sustained us. Surely now you can see why I say we were carried by kindness.
