Fear of Forgetting

So just as grief subsides, fear of forgetting comes biting at my heels. Maybe it’s a kind of guilt. Early on I couldn’t stop thinking about Matthew. Now, I’m afraid I’m forgetting him. Of course it’s been a gradual change over three and a half years, but I’m definitely in a different place now.

I’d like to think it’s a good thing, an indication that the waves of emotion from his traumatic death have subsided and an encouraging sign that my broken heart is healing. Starting sometime last fall I had enough emotional energy to be motivated to join Terri in a healthy eating campaign…losing 10 lbs that I had gained from “grief eating.” My business website that had been neglected got some needed updates this winter. Energy to press into relationships is another indicator of a rebound.

But, I don’t want to go the way of “Out of sight, out of mind.” I’d like to adopt another axiom, “Cherished in the heart, ever in the thoughts.” Maybe thoughts of Matthew during grief are different from remembering him in the life-long mode of perpetually cherishing. But can I feel less sadness without guilt?

What kind of routines or maybe traditions will give me a satisfactory sense of connection to Matthew? And are there some ways to respectfully keep the memory of Matthew alive for others in the family? Perhaps riding the tides of emotion could be replaced with willful, thoughtful memorializing. Otherwise, I fear falling into a pattern of forgetfulness.

I need to get digging into the photo albums for happy memories that we never want to forget and also dare to revisit the painful, scary battle with addiction. I hope that in pursuing these two directions his life can have a continued impact and be savored for the gift he was to us.