Dear Brothers,
On the occasion of Mom’s 89th birthday, I want to honor her by challenging you to rethink how you have honored her. Commandment number five is, "Honor your father and your mother..." As you probably know the Hebrew word that is translated honor actually means to give weight to, as in giving more consideration or more importance than self; to put above self. This is a command to be kept by all regardless of whether the mother or father act honorably. They must still be given the elevated place of importance; positionally and practically. It seems needful though, to challenge the conventional concept of honoring, which says; you should say only good things about them; just accept and forgive offenses without telling them; never counter or confront them when they are wrong and protect their name and reputation by covering up sin and give the appearance that “everything’s fine.”
I have honored Mom and Dad by giving them weight, respect, value, concern & pursuing what is for their best. In regard to Mother, by advocating for her when she was being deprived of basic medical care. Although she worked, and worked very hard, her whole life, serving the Lord, her husband, her children & grandchildren, and in virtually every possible ministry of the church, when she, who had cared so much for so many, came to need care herself, she was not given weight, not valued. She was dishonored by her husband she had served.
In Mom's time of greatest need, our father made a decision to cut short the post operative rehabilitation program, along with any doctor oversight. In this difficult circumstance, I honored both Mom and Dad by appealing to Dad multiple times to give Mom the doctor prescribed nursing care she needed. Tragically, my appeals were ignored and his overt act of negligence resulted in a stroke from which Mom died four days later.
Dad, had promised to love and cherish Mom "for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health." Furthermore, he had taken on the heavy responsibility of self-pay healthcare, opting-out of both Medicare and church funded insurance. But when cherishing his wife in sickness meant he would be poorer, he did not fulfill his vow or his “self-pay” obligation to provide needed healthcare, this, after he had enjoyed the faithful service that his loving wife gave him for over 60 years. I believe, to him, she had become like an old car that was not worth putting money into any more.
In addition to this ignoble treatment, Mom was not honored or "given weight" by you, her sons. Instead, you were giving all the weight to her vow breaking husband. To my knowledge, none of you appealed to our father for the wellbeing of our mother. Why? It wasn’t because you would have done the same thing if it was your wife. (Correct me if I’m wrong.) But rather, wasn’t it because of the distorted concept of what you believe it means to honor? Your actions seem to show you thought honor means to not question your father's decisions. But, if questioning is equal to dishonor, then Moses should not have questioned Yahweh and appealed for his brethren when God said he was going to destroy the children of Israel. But notice, God didn't rebuke Moses. In fact, God was compelled by Moses' compassion to change His mind and spare them. To create an atmosphere of unapproachable control or unquestionable authority is unbiblical and ungodly.
In this family of shameful negligence and dishonor I have attempted to pursue godly honor through respectful appeals and reasonable questioning. Yet with the distorted view of honor, I have been considered the one who is acting dishonorably. But the truth is, you, my brothers, did not love your mother enough to appeal for her and did not love your father enough to question him. You have turned honor on its head.
Honor needs to be demonstrated in actions while a person is alive, if there is to be any substance to words or gestures to honor them after they die. Your conspicuous memorial monument to Mom, or your glowing eulogies of Dad after he dies, will never compensate for what should have been done while they were living. You can not decorate negligence with honor. There is no substance, no weight to it.
However, I believe you still have an opportunity to honor our mother by reconsidering what was done and not done for her while she was alive and speaking the truth in love to Dad while he’s still with us. In the same way I have honored Dad, by lovingly showing him what he could not see, imploring him to repent, praying that God would soften his heart, open his eyes and turn him around from his prideful ways, you too, can honor him by pursuing what’s best for him. “He who turns a sinner from the error of his ways, saves a soul from death.” If you join me in this, I believe he will be more inclined to repent. As it is, why should he repent of what is approved of by so many?
So, with a heavy heart and a God given conviction, I implore you, my brothers, before we have to face another grave, give proper honor to our mother by honoring our father with self sacrificing love that tells him the truth; an honoring that will please the Lord and lay a foundation of righteousness for generations to come.
Loving you enough to confront,
Tom