Six Year Anniversary

Today I discovered that the surefooted path of a rational acceptance of Matthew’s passing is only one small step away from the ditch of irrational, emotional discombobulation. It’s the 6th anniversary of Matthew’s death. It seems each one has gotten easier. There’s been a gradual decrease in the frequency and depth of the episodes of grief. So much so that I anticipated no significant emotional response to this milestone. Normally Terri and I would take the day off work, visit the cemetery and go out to eat. But, this year, Terri had to go to work, at least for the morning. So, I thought I’d do the same. But, when I had loaded everything up for fertilizing and got in my truck to go, I broke down with bitter sobbing. It felt like the day Matthew had died.

I thought, this is not happening! I can’t go through this again. But I was determined not to go through it alone. So, I texted our small group and requested prayer. Then, I texted a close friend and asked him to call me when he was available, which he did not long after. Crying on the phone and having my feelings affirmed was a tremendously powerful experience.

When I got off the phone I was still not ready to work. So, I drove to church to see if our pastor was available. He was. I had another good cry as we talked. And he gave me a hug like he was trying to squeeze my heart. It was great!

Still feeling very sensitive, I went home. My daughter and her boyfriend arrived soon after. When I went to tell them that I didn’t work that morning I broke down again. I said, I wasn’t doing very well. Lainee giving me a hug surely makes the.pain worth it.

By this time Terri was finishing up work and proposed meeting for lunch. We decided on Hog Wild, a Matthew favorite. It was great weather for our visit to the cemetery. Chapel Hill Gardens was very serene. We were only there with the birds and cicadas. But, strangely, I was all done crying.

In the evening, I went by myself to  the annual, “Your Light Still Shines” in New Lenox. It’s a memorial event and support recovery fair with guest speakers. Mathew is one of the many overdose victims whose picture was displayed. It’s a sobering sight.