Five years ago today, April 4, 2015, my dear mother left her troubles behind and was welcomed by her Lord to eternal rest. This was great for her, but for those who are left to deal with the evil that led to her death, their troubles were about to multiply exponentially. I’ve detailed the cause of her death and the communications with people afterwards in many previous articles. It‘s been a torturous journey to what seems to be a very lonely destination. But I don’t take lonely to mean, for no benefit. And neither do I consider this lonely place the conclusion of the journey. Let me elaborate.
I learned many things that I could not have learned had I not been thrust in the direction of truth and justice. I believe what I’ve leaned should be shared, discussed and taken to heart so it can change future outcomes. My experience is unique in the details but common in its pattern. Which means, the understanding gained can be used to identify and counter any form of abuse. Yes, I do understand I’m fighting against a mighty current of cultural norms, but my confidence is in the power of God that accompanies both truth and justice.
What I witnessed and have testified to was one form of abuse, which is a very broad term encompassing injustices of all kinds. The fundamental contributors to abuse seem to be, a corrupted cultural context, power, selfishness, complicit parties, denial and/or coverup. These are not distinct from one another, but rather overlap and blur together in their living dynamic. But for the sake of analysis and clarity, we will look at them individually.
When most everyone has accepted as normal something that is harmful to some or most individuals, this is a corrupted cultural context that will shape the thinking of all who are born and raised in it; both the abusers and the abused. Slavery is a standout example of this. But many lesser and more subtle evils are perpetuated this way.
Power, legitimate or not, is always a factor in abuse. It can be physical power, superior intelligence or a position of authority. Maybe it’s a temporary advantage that one person has over another based on circumstances that leave a person vulnerable. If there is not an internal or external check on power, such as love, morality or accountability, there will be abuse.
That brings us to the crux of abuse; selfishness. Jesus taught and modeled the antithesis of abuse; self denial and sacrifice. Without that as the mutually practiced foundation, every relationship will tend towards abuse.
Although it only takes one person to abuse another, if it continues for any length of time it involves many others. This happens through complicity. Often this is based on some form of loyalty, which I see as a legitimate love that gets high jacked. It’s actually another level of abuse, where the abuser often presumes upon others to cover for him or her in order for them to maintain a beneficial relationship with the abuser.
Denial and coverup are essential to both ongoing abuse or evading justice. This is typically done jointly with all those that stand to lose if the abuse is exposed.
So, how did I learn this? Experience! And too, I’m sure it will resonate as true to everyone who has suffered abuse or tried to battle it. The sad truth is that the loyalty factor and the relational stakes leave most abuse unchallenged. This should not be true in the Body of Christ, but it is. He calls us to a love that lays down our lives protecting the weaker and that loves and pursues Truth because it is a person. He is our Lord! He cannot build His Kingdom on self serving coverup and moral corrupting loyalties. Yet these evils have perpetuated abuses in the church. It’s rooted in the very culture of our churches.
Lord lead the way to repentance and change!
